Friday, January 27, 2012

What to Wear on a Date




After polling both myself AND my husband, it was conclusively agreed that effortless conversation was the number one social indicator of a successful date.  And an easy conversation begins before you ever part your lipstick-stained pout.

Following are four steps for successful speaking in clothes:

Step one:  Mirror
Simultaneous head nodding and mutual head tilting are physical manifestations of an intangible connection.  Strengthen the link via wardrobe.  If he is East Coast prep and you are West Coast bohemian, consider the nautically striped maxi dress.  Find points of fashion commonality and gently orchestrate efforts to look like a couple.

But don’t forsake your genuine nature but do make token acknowledgments of the culture you are visiting.  This includes the company and the environment.  Even if you wear high-heeled slippers to bed, be willing to adapt to casual encounters.  While it’s better to be overdressed than under, aim for a variance of under ten percent when compared to your surroundings.

Step two:  Don't Speak in Trends
Women use fashion-forward clothing to stamp out their social hierarchy, but most men don’t speak exotic fashion dialects.  Make sure you send him social cues in a language he can understand.  Happy banter begins with common language, so reserve the harem pants for your girl’s night out.

Step three:  Avoid Sartorial Expletives and Raiment Rambling
Your clothing should make an introduction, not dominate the conversation.  While you may see the plaid jumpsuit as a perfect translation of your inner core, wait for a more committed relationship to share it.  Just as tackling religion and politics isn’t advisable on an introductory date, neither are overly bold or personal clothing items.  Hint at your rich soul through whimsical accessories rather than virtually flashing your date with a neon mu-mu complete with screen-printed traffic signal.

Step four:  Be comfortable 
The only thing equivalent to the repellant power of sweat pants is a preoccupation with clothing restrictions or potential wardrobe malfunctions.  If it requires double sided tape, overly constrictive undergarments, or other acrobatics, opt out.  It’s very difficult to be charming when you are simultaneously sucking your abdomen in and tugging your skirt down.

Likewise, don’t corset your natural style.  Now is not the time to audition for a new role.  Prepare your best, genuine self then shed your self-conscious glances in the mirror.  Focus your energy on investigating the other person.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

In the News: A Makeover for Miss America

meat for meditation


Jenny I, Whine & Roses
January 6, 2012

(condensed version below, full text available here)


I’ve decided that I would like to be the next Miss America.

I am not kidding. I think I’d be great.  Yes, I’m too old. I have no discernable talent. I am not perky, dedicated to public service, or particularly graceful. But I still think this could work. My current beef with the pageant is that the promoters insist that it’s not beauty pageant; it’s a “scholarship” pageant.  Who are they trying to kid? If it were truly a “scholarship” pageant, the contestants wouldn’t be uniformly beautiful. They’d look like the occupants of the campus library on a Friday night. For me to win, though, there would have to be some serious revamping. There’d be no bathing suits, no helmet hair, and no plasticized smiles. It would have to become a true representation of the “average” woman in the U.S. today. Some would argue that it should not represent the norm; it should celebrate the “ideal” woman.  I say that if they want to keep this thing afloat, they need to stir the pot a bit. They need, in a word, me. Here I am. Miss Unusual America.

Doing a little digging, I found that back in the day, the pageant was originally seen as a symbol of the U.S., with Miss America often being referred to as the “female equivalent” of the President. I think they should bring this concept back. Because I’m telling you, I think the presidency could be a two-person job.  For example, the President could send me, as Miss America, in to deal with the Congress, with all the bickering, petty politics, and selfishness. I’m a middle school teacher – I can handle that sort of behavior.  Set expectations with the senators and representatives.  Let them know what the rules and guideline are. And make sure they know that there will be consequences for bad behavior.

“Senator, you shot down the bill to help extend veteran’s benefits. Is this appropriate behavior for the government?”

“But he started it!”

“Senator, stop poking the gentleman from Massachusetts.”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Precisely. You will be given a 20 minute detention after today’s session and will lose several points in your next polling.”

“Aww, man…”

Consistency is key, with republicans, democrats, and seventh graders.

I think dealing with this sort of thing would also free up the actual elected president for other issues, like the economy, budgets, and nasty leaders of other countries. Let me take the light stuff – I’ll pardon the turkey, no problem. And if the Real President needs me to make an appearance in France and perhaps dine in fine restaurants, I’m on it.

As for the nuts and bolts of the competition, there are a few areas in which Miss America must be judged in order to win the crown. The first is a personal interview, where the candidate must be well spoken, articulate, polite and confident. Not surprisingly, this part is not televised. Too bad, because I think this could be my strongest area:

...

Host (beginning to sweat): What are your personal goals?

Pageant Me: I would someday like to pull off wearing skinny jeans and a beret. I would like to invent a chocolate cake that does not induce feelings of guilt and an immediate increase in fat cells. I would like to convince the USDA to classify wine as a fruit. I hope to convince the world and myself that wearing pajamas all day is cool and not, as my friend Sophie classifies it, “sadthetic.” And, most of all, I’d like to persuade Nathan Fillion that those hot Hollywood starlets are passé and he really needs to date a middle-aged woman with bifocals, saddlebags, an overdeveloped sense of snark and a killer lasagna recipe. (Looks at host) I think the word you’re looking for is, “Anyway…”

Perfect 10s all around. Nailed it!

Next up is the talent competition, which for many years has played fast and loose with the word, “talent.” In the past, many contestants overplayed the piano or violin, while some juggled, did fast sketching, or even ventriloquism. There have been firewalkers, tractor drivers, and the ubiquitous baton twirlers. Some sang loudly with dramatic pageant arm gestures, garbled arias, or delivered a maudlin torch song with a huge smile, because, as my friend Nadine said, “Miss America is not allowed to be sad.” No more. Let’s bring this area into the real world, too. How about a Spelling Bee? Bargain Shopping? Expensive Footwear Justification? Those would be interesting.   But what can I do? I can look at a photo of a man and with less than three bits of general information, tell you why he’s still single.

“Mama’s Boy.”

“Napoleon complex.”

“Overcompensation for…shortcomings.”

“Bad breath.”

“Orders for a woman in a restaurant.”

“Calls women ‘babes.’”

“Continuously tells women they’re overreacting.”

“Needy.”

“Handsy.”

“Thinks he’s an artiste.”

“Career goal is to be on The Jersey Shore.”

“Is on The Jersey Shore.”

I can hold a violin while doing this, if it makes the judges more comfortable.

The next part of the competition is where they walk across the stage in the bathing suit and high heels. This is where I might have to take a pass. I won’t wear a suit in sunlight, much less a spotlight. And it’s not just an embarrassment issue; it’s really a logic issue. I mean, who wears a bikini (oh yeah, they can wear two-pieces now) and high heels? Since the main arena for bathing suit wearing is generally near water and not in an actual arena, it’s really a matter of safety. You could slip and twist an ankle. See? I’m looking out for my fellow Misses. Doesn’t that show depth and logical thinking? Now, if it’s a real problem, I’ll the don the suit, but I’ll wear it like most women my age wear it: with a knee-length t-shirt over it. Or with a sarong that starts under the armpits, reaches the knees, and is made of something that won’t stain if you get margaritas or pop-tarts on it.

On to evening wear. Now, my typical eveningwear is flannel pants and a “Mystic Warlords of Ka’a” t-shirt, so I’m thinking I might have to take it up a notch. Contestants in my new version of the pageant would be judged on poise, confidence, and who complains the least about how their double-Spanx was cutting into their waistline. I walk best in high heels if I’m carrying a cocktail and a plate of mini-quiche, so I’d see if I could work that in somehow. To make it more relevant, they could also judge on things real people generally do while wearing evening garb. We don’t just sashay, pivot, smile, sashay. We make small talk. We pretend to be glad to see someone. We eat cocktail franks. We sit through boring speeches. We fake smiles. We politely excuse ourselves to the ladies’ room to tug at our strapless bras. The pageant could tie this part in with the “onstage question” they pose of all finalists, which is topical, completely random, and for which they have no prep time. I could handle this much better than the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestant from a few years back who couldn’t give a coherent answer to why one fifth of Americans can’t find the U.S. on a map.  (Yes, I’m cutting her slack because she is a teenager, but this couldn’t have been her first time on the merry-go-round.) Her answer? “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so…uhmmm…don't have maps … I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq…our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh…help South Africa… help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.” (I’m not sure how South Africa fits into this, but maybe she thinks they can’t find America on a map, either.) I hope, at least, that  she looked good in a swimsuit.

My answer?

“They’re idiots.”

Done.

I really think we can get the Miss America pageant to be popular again. It just needs to be relevant. Right now, saying Miss America represents women in this country is like saying reality television represents…reality. There’s a real disconnect. Miss America should be outstanding, but not so incredibly removed from the rest of us that she ceases to become real. These things that they’re currently judged on in the pageant are not really life skills. We want our Miss America to be a representation of the best in all women. And that does not involve walking across a stage in high heels and a bikini.  That’s why I think I’d make a good Miss America (or, in my case, Ms. America, thank you). I’ve survived in the real world. I have life experience. I’ve burned pot roasts. And I’ve raised a glass of wine, both figuratively and literally, with some amazing, brilliant, kick-ass women who I feel privileged to call my friends.

Plus, I’d love any excuse to wear a tiara on a regular basis. And if I added a cape and some awesome boots to the ensemble, I’m pretty sure I could take over the world. Who’s with me?

------------

So how do you think we could update Miss America to make her a relevant ideal?

Monday, January 16, 2012

Live in the Beehive

UtahI will be hosted by my native state next week Tuesday, January 24th through Saturday, January 28th.

If you reside in the home of the Great Salt Lake, in either the Salt Lake or Provo vicinity, and long for a face to face, tete-a-tete styling session, please contact me at reachel@cardiganempire.com to schedule either a mini or full appointment.

Friday, January 13, 2012

So You Want to be a Fashion Stylist


(British Vogue Editorial 2008)

Think you have an eye for fashion?

Top 5 Reasons to Register for Wardrobe Strategies at MCC taught by yours truly:
  1. Upon completion, you can wage battle against Rachel Zoe and her nefarious battalion of size 0 Zoebots (all armored with darkly tanned skins and large sunglasses)
  2. TEC 245 counts toward an Image Consulting certificate. Said certificate would look very smart framed in a gilded gold frame in your personal styling office.
  3. A Friday morning dedicated to dressing up makes a lovely elective, perfectly accenting classes like biochemistry.
  4. I will teach you everything I know and a few things I don't. My goal is to glory in your future success.
  5. You'll be prepared to make the world a prettier place
Spread the word to your collegiate fashion smarties. Registration closes, and classes start, Monday, January 23rd.

Wardrobe Strategies, TEC 245
M 7:10 PM - 9:45 PM, 3 CR


Syllabus includes:
 body type dressing, color analysis, personal styles identification, closet cleaning, wardrobe maximization, shopping strategies, and much more.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

What to Wear to a Job Interview


In another life, I reigned countess professional
Business suits stapled my high school senior year,
favoring a briefcase over a backpack.
Graduated in Marketing,
added the MBA acronym.
Interned with GE,
job offer from Accenture.
Vice president before the age of twenty-five.

Doubt not what may appear to be an unassuming fashion flirt at present.  Trust me when I say, I can help you dress for a job interview

Step one:  Determine the dress code
Somewhere in the eclipse of the last decade, dotcom scruffies partnered with premium denim manufactures and admitted flip flops, screen printed t-shirts, and short pants into the corporate closet. Fortuitously, inevitable economics and time-honored taste burst that bedheaded bubble, yet in the rubble we are left with only hazy shimmering hints at what used to be clear dress code boundaries.

Thus savvy employment pursants assume the role of industrial anthropologist and ask insiders about day to day dress.  Established vocational vestiges are direct indications of corporate culture.  If the office standard includes jeans, t-shirts, and high tops, don't dryclean your suit.  Adopt the office orthodox but elevate it ever so slightly with a blazer.

Arriving in the cultural equivalent of either a prom gown or pajama knickers shows a lack of regard for the trade's traditions.

Step two: Add yourself
Don't forget to bring yourself to the interview.  Secure every uniform snap, but add a touch of your own charisma: a brooch on your blazer, a scarf on your satchel.  Mix three parts conformity with one part creativity to stand out and above the competition.

And should the costume you assume for the audition makes you feel self conscious, perhaps you should reconsider your character choice.

Step three: Orient your details
Now is the time to indulge your OCD tendencies.  A run in your stockings translates into sloppy phone etiquette.  A missed button on your shirt sleeve indicates a tendency to miss deadlines.  Shoe scuffs construe a propensity to send e-mails san-spellcheck.

Step four: Go underboard
Avoid undue distractions: dark sticky lipstick on your teeth, maniacal hair tossing, strong, musky odors.  Makeup should be simple and pretty.  Hair should be neat and secure.  Scents should be clean and fresh.

Limit yourself to three accessories and select a bag and overcoat based on the fact that they will be the first and last thing your interviewer sees.


In short your interview outfit should introduce you from across the room, act as a reference in favor of your skills and abilities, then get out of the way.


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